Sophia's Call

Friday Five: What's New?

2009-11-06T08:16:00.010-05:00

Songbird writes at RevGals:

There's a new baby on my street, a double PK whose Mom and Dad are Methodist pastors and church planters. I'm hoping to go over and meet her today. I love new babies, the way they smell and their sweet little fingers and toes. Little K has me thinking about all the new things that please us with their shiny freshness.

Please share with us five things you like *especially* when they are new.

1. Hot glazed Krispy Kreme donuts! I take HockeyBoy there for a weekly mom and son date, and brought two boxes to my 8:00 class today--they're taking their New Testament exam as I write. Their eyes lit up when they saw the bag and one young man said with delight: "They're still hot?"

2. Pencils, nice and sharp and with lovely clean and high-functioning eraser ends--preferably pretty colored ones instead of traditional yellow.

3. Nice crisp cotton or cotton blend blouses or dresses. Like doll hair, they're never quite the same after the first wash.

4. Friendships. Long held ones are special in their own way, of course, but there is something magical about the early stages of learning, sharing and discovery in relationships.

5. Liturgical music, whether sung for the first time or in a new video version on YouTube. Like friendships, the old favorites have deep resonance of course. But, like most conscientious music ministers, I make sure to repeat familiar music more often than my personal taste would dictate for ease of singing....So a really good new discovery is a real treat.

I am in the midst of some prophetic cleansing of the temple work in my new jurisdiction, which is a joy and privilege but also a daunting and dangerous task. So I am steeping myself in constant prayer and consultation and asking for prayer support as well, please--for the victims (at least 6 young boys in the 80s, and who knows how many since), the perpetrator and the colluders, and those of us trying to be part of the solution rather than the problem--and speak the truth in love and humility and "there but for the grace of Godde" rather than harshness or pride.

I found this setting of Malvina Reynold's God Bless the Grass last night and have been singing it since for strength, inspiration and peace.

God bless the grass that grows through the crack,
They roll the concrete over it and try to keep it back.
But the concrete gets tired of what it has to do,
It breaks and it buckles and the grass grows through,
God bless the grass.

God bless the truth that fights for the sun,
They roll the lies over it and think that it is done.
But it moves through the ground and reaches for the air,
And after a while it's growing everywhere,
God bless the grass.

God bless the grass that grows through cement,
It's tender and green and it's easily bent,
But after a while it lifts up its head
Cause the grass is living and the stone is dead,
God bless the grass.

God bless the grass that's gentle and low,
Its roots are deep and its will is to grow.
God bless the truth, the friend of the poor,
And the green grass growing round the poor man's door,
God bless the grass.

Today's Reading from Benedict's Rule

2009-11-03T12:47:00.002-05:00

Chapter 27: How Solicitous the Abbess Should Be for the Excommunicated

Let the Abbess be most solicitous
in her concern for delinquent sisters,
for "it is not the healthy but the sick who need a physician" (Matt 9:12)
And therefore she ought to use every means
that a wise physician would use.
Let her send senpectae,
that is, sisters of mature years and wisdom,
who may as it were secretly console the wavering sister
and induce her to make humble satisfaction;
comforting her
that she may not "be overwhelmed by excessive grief" (2 Cor. 2:7),
but that, as the Apostle says,
charity may be strengthened in her (2 Cor. 2:8).
And let everyone pray for her.

For the Abbess must have the utmost solicitude
and exercise all prudence and diligence
lest she lose any of the sheep entrusted to her.
Let her know
that what she has undertaken is the care of weak souls
and not a tyranny over strong ones;
and let her fear the Prophet's warning
through which God says,
"What you saw to be fat you took to yourselves,
and what was feeble you cast away" (Ezec. 34:3,4).
Let her rather imitate the loving example of the Good Shepherd
who left the ninety-nine sheep in the mountains
and went to look for the one sheep that had gone astray,
on whose weakness He had such compassion
that He deigned to place it on His own sacred shoulders
and thus carry it back to the flock (Luke 15:4-5).

Thanks for the Prayers

2009-11-02T21:14:00.003-05:00

...which kicked in uber-quickly. I am feeling much better.

The confession appointment was cancelled for a pastoral emergency on that end, which is a quite a relief. I have written the associated amends email, which was the only thing really pressing, and now have a peaceful heart about rescheduling as the Spirit moves for a different time, place and person. I am reminding myself that what God wanted was the awareness and the willingness, and once I had that gave me a sweet break of not having to go through with the whole thing right away and in a stressful fashion. (I try to remember Gertrud of Helfta's insistence that to our loving and merciful Godde intentions count for good things and not just bad ones, as in George Carlin's classic five minute version of Catholic moral theology. "Your intention, that's how we'll judge you....Let's say you wake up in the morning and decide to go down to 42nd St. and commit a mortal sin...Save your carfare! You did it!")

This also means that the other meeting can be teleconferenced instead of involving a long drive to the main site, which frees up a lot more of my day for teaching work as well as something enjoyable in between the doctor's visit and the meeting. This could involve rescheduling the enjoyable lunch I had to cancel if it works for the other person and if not I will make sure and find something as good. And if the meeting doesn't go well I will be safely home and close to in person spiritual and emotional support rather than having to worry about the drive back.

It's been a lovely evening with a good dinner, then reading and singing with Ladybug in front of the fire still crackling away and calling me to light a candle on my hearth altar for Examen and Compline. And I am so much more peaceful. I may have some more nerves tomorrow but the prayers just buoy me up so much and I think it is going to be okay....Many thanks, dear friends, and good night.

Tomorrow's Appointments

2009-11-02T17:30:00.003-05:00

Tuesdays are usually quite the joy as I get to not teach my busy MWF schedule, thus sleep in, pray unrushed, and have more family time as well as the occasional lunch with a friend or spiritual direction appt.

Tomorrow I do get to sleep in but then I somehow ended up with:

1. An overdue gyn exam (which includes the minor but embarrassing point of asking for another mammo script as I lost the first one). Never any woman's first choice of enjoyable and especially so for survivors, though I am grateful that I have the health care.

2. Confession. Which I am always really excited about 1) in general 2) when I first make the appt and 3) afterwards. But the immediate leadup often makes me queasy and this is especially so.

3. A very challenging church meeting with grave consequences for a lot of people including me.

I have been thinking that I should probably offer up #1 for #3...and that #1 and #3 combined would perhaps be considered sufficient penance for #2. :-)

Kind of reminds me of a grad school roommate with whom I spent a fruitful but very long Good Friday afternoon. Two hours for the service and another two waiting for Reconciliation--by the end of which we were sore and squirming like tired toddlers on the hard wooden pews. I was the last person in the pastor's line, a normally brilliant celebrant, and found him kind of punchy (due not just to his own four hour ordeal but to the fact that he keeps the paschal fast starting after supper on Holy Thursday. I probably could have said "And then I murdered my mother in law" and gotten, "umm-hmm, anything else?"). My friend was the last person in the associate's line, and when he said "What do you think your penance should be?" she had to really bite her lip not to say: "How about waiting for two hours to talk to you"!

The sacrament was the last thing added to the schedule and it felt like an inspiration on Sunday--which I do think it was--but would have been really nice to knock it off then. The original plan, but then things got busy for both the confessor and me. And the meeting is high stakes and scary in a lot of ways, though I do trust Godde and everything. Mostly. So prayers for all three would really, really be appreciated.

Thanks. A lot.

Friday Five: Lifesavers

2009-10-30T08:55:00.002-04:00

Kathryn JZ writes at RevGals:

In honor of BE Three I thought I'd offer up a Friday Five of lifesavers. I'm going on our cruise (are you?) because I am excited about meeting up with my blogging buddies again, I am interested in the speaker and because when I went on the first one my life was saved (okay, that may be a little over-dramatized but if you saw me getting on the boat and then the difference when getting off the boat you would know of what I speak).

I don't expect - or need - another life saving moment but I want to support the conference.

Of course lifesavers can come in all sizes and with far less drama. I would readily admit that I have considered a person (children's sermon substitute), the location of a bathroom, and a beverage (the last diet coke in the back of the fridge - score!) all to be lifesavers at one point or another.

And so today I ask you - dramatic or fairly common - what have been/are your lifesavers:

1) Your lifesaving food/beverage.

Yogurt--an ever ready protein boost in a variety of tasty flavors and textures, quick when I have a busy day and always helpful if my meds make me a little queasy. Greek yogurt--super thick and creamy though low fat--is my newest discovery. Enjoyable to be able to say that again because I couldn't face it for quite a while after mainlining so much during my middle two, nine months of nausea, pregnancies.

2) Your lifesaving article of clothing.

As I come back into a cold climate, my turtleneck sweaters which can be worn alone, under a sweater, a jacket, and when it gets cold enough both. Special faves include a purple and black classy paisley, a bright pink ribbed, and a white one with small red roses.

3) Your lifesaving movie/book/tv show/music.

The nightly Netflix ritual with my sweetheart after tucking our dear rugrats. We have done the entirety of Joan of Arcadia, Star Trek Enterprise (the only one we missed at the time for some reason), Battlestar Galactica except for the last season which we will do soon as there was a delay in availability, and since our trip to happy coastal town at the beginning of Lent have been enjoying Stargate SG 1.

4) Your lifesaving friend.

How to pick just one? Right now I am very aware of my gratitude for TechnoGuy, my wonderful husband of twenty years. So many adventures together, so many tragedies and joys, all the ups and downs of parenting, and he is my absolute right hand and best adviser as I manage my diagnosis especially my increasing ecclesial responsibilities.

5) Your lifesaving moment.

Twice daily examen at roughly midday and before night prayer, something I never thought I could sustain but committed to when I applied for membership in my jurisdiction's little Ignatian community. It would be wearing to do the traditional 5 step one, even in Aschenbrenner's examen of consciousness focus. So, at least at present, I do it with a personal adaptation of the Linns' two step process (TG and I do the latter anyway last thing before falling asleep, ever since I read Sleeping With Bread when HockeyBoy was a baby).

First I feel and name gratitude for every blessing of that part of the day, and then I ask God to open my mind and heart and show me whatever She wants me to see about it. Very different things arise or sometimes just resting in divine love. Absolute miracle for staying connected and trying to be a contemplative in action and to see the many many blessings in every easy and hard part of the busy days and weeks.

As I was searching unsuccessfully for an online copy of George Aschenbrenner SJ's groundbreaking 1972 (I think) article I found this recent article by Philip Shano SJ about his communal adapation of the examen used in a Jesuit novitiate. Intriguing if it could be adapted for families, pastoral staffs, etc.

The Spirit is A-Moving

2009-10-29T18:25:00.002-04:00

...so thank you very much for the prayers.

Good conversation and positive steps are happening though the situation is still quite challenging and I have no idea what the outcome will be. I do know that Godde will provide growth and learning through all this, and work as much good as possible given the realities of free will and human nature.

Which can be daunting and problematic...so I would very much appreciate the prayers continuing as your charity moves.

Veni, Sancte Spiritus!

Prayers Please

2009-10-28T21:54:00.002-04:00

...for something truly unbloggable--kind of a first for Sophia.

It's worrisome but on the other hand I completely trust Godde to bring what is best out of the whole thing. Especially if everyone involved can discern their part and do it faithfully.

Yeah, please pray that I will be guided to do that, to know the truth and speak it in love. And very prudently. And the same for the others who share my concern, and those who don't yet too.

Thanks. Very much.

Another Apologizing Feminist

2009-10-28T13:44:00.002-04:00

...there must be something in the air.

Just found another new and impressive feminist blog, Deeply Problematic, with great critiques of ableism and sexism in popular TV shows...as well as the first instance of her new feature, Foul-Up Fridays. It's dedicated to brief, sincere, and excuseless apologies for bad blogging behavior.

Way to go RMJ.

Back Down to Earth

2009-10-28T11:09:00.003-04:00

...in a good way.

Reflecting a lot on feminism as well as disabilism with regard to the switch to part time teaching in January, as both mothers and disabled folk often need to work in such a format. Of course, half time teaching is one sixth, not one half, of the original modest salary so it's a good thing my family does not depend on my wage or nonexistent benefits. And as long as TechnoGuy stays healthy and we stay married, looking good thank Godde, my lack of personal retirement savings shouldn't doom me to the usual poverty fate of old women who have born children.

This realization is also part of a further discernment that I don't have to stay here and part time forever, but can use the manageable pace now to pace teaching, continuing to publish, ministry and family and keep my c.v. growing for the just right position that may come along in two to five years.

Also revisiting the aftermath of the feminist liturgy as the Confession haze clears. The session with two archbishops and the business end of a crozier was well-timed and well-deserved and I don't take back any of the associated contrition, gratitude, or learnings recently blogged. But there are a couple of things that haunt me.

One was the repeated refrain by one of them "We are not a misogynist church nor a feminist church--we seek the via media." Scary misunderstanding of feminism and the fact that we ought to be a feminist church and are in many ways, in the real meaning of seeking equality for all and especially for those, including women, who are now oppressed.

The other was the way I was told that my loved by RevGals Eucharistic Prayer was heard: she, she, she, she, she, she and a last minute token mention of Jesus. Well, I looked back at it and found 1) three Holy Wisdoms, the tame version of the biblical Sophia, which many people wouldn't even realize was a subtle feminine reference; 2) one Mother, balancing quite a few Fathers elsewhere in the liturgy; 3) two shes in reference to the Holy Spirit and 3) about ten references to Jesus, half by name and half as "he." All in all a tiny percentage of feminine language compared to the relentless battering with masculine language at virtually every other mass I have ever attended, including those that use some mild neutral God language or the very rare one she in an hour. Very scary reflection of how idolatrous and damaging the normal overuse of male language is and how important loving and persistent prophetic and educational work is!

Great Apology Post

2009-10-27T15:50:00.004-04:00

...which I just found at a cool new to me blog by Teh Portly Dyke, probably through a convoluted path involving the new and awesome Feminists with Disabilities blog.

I have a little tool that I call "The Four A's" (I learned it from an absolutely fantastic teacher) and it has helped me through numerous fuck-ups in my life.When you "Fuck Up" (whether the fuck-up is minor or major) practice the "Four A's".

1. Acknowledgment
2. Apology
3.Amends
4.Action

Read the whole thing here.

Letter to Bring Change 2 Mind

2009-10-27T09:35:00.003-04:00

Okay, I found it. The main page of the Bring Change 2 Mind site amplifies the offensiveness of the CABF page by having videos and pictures of numerous mentally ill people labeled with their particular diagnoses.

You can give feedback by filling out the contact form on their website. Another indicator of their disabilism is that it assumes that the only reason a mentally ill person or ally would contact them would be to seek their aid and advice, so you will have to do your best about choosing the options to check. They will not let you submit without, inappropriately and invasively, including both your email and phone number-- but you can choose which to receive replies through and can always give a false phone number if you choose to protect yourself that way. I chose "education" as my topic of concern since that is what I am offering them!

Please write them and spread this as much as you can--a public outcry will probably be the only thing that has a chance of making an impact.

Hello! I am a happy and thriving person living with bipolar disorder who is writing to 1) thank you for your efforts to reduce shame and stigma related to mental illness and 2) point out that your t-shirt campaign is disabilist and highly offensive. It identifies neurotypical family members as human beings, "mother," "sister," etc., and implicitly praises the familial love moving them to stand by their disabled loved one. And it dehumanizes mentally ill people by labeling them as disorders rather than human beings who are also loving family members and valuable members of the human community.

I beg you to stop furthering the shame and stigma you aim to prevent by ceasing this t-shirt campaign, redoing the videos in a way appropriate and respectful to people living with mental illness, and apologizing for the pain you have caused by these pictures.

Thank you for your consideration.

Rev. Dr. Sophia

A sister, mother, wife, priest, professor, and human being living and thriving with bipolar disorder.

Letter to CABF

2009-10-27T09:19:00.007-04:00

Please join me in protesting the inclusion of a very offensive, disabilist picture, on the website of the usually excellent organization, Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation. If I can find information to protest directly to Glenn Close and her campaign I will post that as well.

You can reach the director of CABF, Susan Resko, at cabf@bpkids.org.

Note the condescending "Jerry's Kids" posing they chose to highlight: Glenn Close confidently facing the camera, proud of her noble efforts on behalf of the damaged sister she wraps her arm around, and the "crazy" sister adoringly gazing at her "normal" savior.

-----------------------------------

Ms. Resko,

I am sickened by the disabilism of the Glenn Close picture featured on the CABF website with t-shirts identifying her as a person, "Sister," while dehumanizing her sister by labeling her not as a person but as a disorder, "Bipolar."

http://www.bpkids.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_Oct_Director

This ignorance and bigotry negates much of the good that Close is trying to accomplish with her campaign and the mental illness community should be challenging her and others involved on it as well as praising the positive aspects of it.

I have not donated to CABF in a while and was strongly considering doing so--but cannot in good conscience when our organization perpetrates such an offensive insult to the community it desires to serve. I beg you to remove this picture from the CABF website, apologize to those hurt by it, and replace the overly glowing evaluation of Close's campaign with a balanced one.

Thank you for your consideration.

Rev. Dr. Sophia
A sister, wife, mother, priest, professor, and human being who lives with bipolar disorder.

Retreat

2009-10-26T18:05:00.004-04:00

...trying to get a private directed one scheduled for Advent when my teaching term is over, to replace the long overdue one scheduled for the first week of August and replaced by a move.

My first thought was to go to Grad School Town, stay in one beloved convent, and have a few direction sessions with a former spiritual director who lives in another--but she is overbooked and setting healthy boundaries by saying no. She suggested a new spirituality center there with a laywoman experienced director who works with a big name progressive male theologian, but I don't know if it would be a good fit as some big name progressive theologians don't get the traditional side of my devotional life or my recent venture into modern monastic religious life. Of course the opposite problem happens at the majority of retreat houses which are RC and not comfortable with the way I push and break *those* boundaries. Some Jebbie places are good that way, some not, but most of the ones I initially targeted don't seem to have a good timing match--nothing in Advent or something the first or second weeks while I am still teaching. There is one Ignatian possibility not too far away that sounds smallish and flexible, had several directors associated with it, one of whom I have a call in to.

Sitting by the fire searching the SDI website, which was where I found this possibility, and trying to slow my brain down after an intense day of four good classes, making up a quiz for Wednesday, and polishing a study sheet for it. Still some email attendance issues to mop up--the health center is seeing a hundred kids a day for flu-ish things, though most aren't H1N1, but I can only face so much teaching stuff in one day. So glad that tomorrow is a day off and not booked up with appointments, unlike Thursday--so I can sleep in and also offer a mass promised for a special intention, and hopefully get some work done on the latest redaction of my Liturgy of the Hours ms. It was awesome to get back into that on Sunday after so so long.

Feels good to be blogging again though I think the break was helpful....Am shifting gears to reflect that anonymous doesn't mean unidentifiable.....But still it's a spot for a bit more in depth and personal stuff than Facebook, and that's good.

Penance

2009-10-25T18:55:00.006-04:00

....I love it. What can I say? I'm not just a Catholic girl but an Irish one, and a medievalist too. It's a triple-threat occupational hazard.

Of course, it's easy to love when it's the "have a special time with your husband and your son" variety. Krispy Kreme with HockeyBoy yesterday, where he opened up about classes and friends as well as hockey, and made me realize this should be a regular Mom and son date. Last year we had tons of time to swim at the beach, walk, talk, etc. after school and now I am gone more afternoons since I only work at home part time, plus he's hanging with his homies. And a really awesome local buffet place tonight--TechnoGuy's pick, for once--with great food and great conversation, both between us and with a woman at a neighboring table, for our weekly date that's been a put off a few weeks due to illness and travel.

My two recent celebrations of Reconcilation have been awesome in themselves, and had the side benefit of adding a third--though as a more basic one it shall be listed first--and very helpful dimension to Sophia's Principles of Good Penances, for future writing and teaching on Confession. To wit:

1. Ora et labora
2. I know when I did it
3. It's not on my deathbed

Readers of this and the previous blog will be familiar with my passionate espousals of #2 and 3. The former was brilliantly enunciated by the grad school rector of a dear friend, and the latter as a further specification of it by yours truly after one too many well-meaning but confusing and/or stressful exhortations by TEC and IC clergy who don't get as much practice time in the box as RCs. They both come from the same basic problem: confusing the "penance" and "counsel" portions of the program. And I humbly consider them applicable to many situations of pastoral counseling, with some vocabulary changes, even for communities and individuals that don't have a sacramental rite of Reconciliation. Brief review for new readers:

Examples of #2 include: make yourself a living sacrifice, be as gentle with yourself as you are with others, etc., etc. Good counsel, but way too cosmic and long term and hard to quantify to be good penances, which can be light or heavy as the situation demands but need to be clear and doable. They need to be clearly given as general recommendations and not as the completion of the sentence starter "For your penance...."

Examples of #3 include: every time you pray Morning Prayer include some gratitude for x person you're having trouble with, every time you get in the car pray in y way, etc, etc. What, for the rest of my life? They're concrete and clear but endless--again, examples of something that might be a frutiful practice to continue long term but should be presented clearly as such, with only a short period of try out as the actual sacramental obligation. E.g. "A practice many people find helpful in dealing with your issue is [centering prayer, gratitude lists, daily examen, working at the soup kitche, whatever]. Please try it out once (or three times, or even every day for a week) for your penance and see how the Spirit leads you."

Okay, back to the new realization: very Benedictine, of course. And very 12 step as well because the ora part is mostly medicine for you, to use a favorite Jesuit's term from undergrad, and the labora part is mostly amends for the people you've hurt. These are the neglected feature of too many confessions as well as preaching--and the danger, IMHO, of weekly IC general absolutions in some jurisdictions as well as Protestant group prayers of confession and assurance of pardon in liturgies without careful catechesis. The professor and minister who spent my junior year of college sexually abusing me went to his Baptist church every week, said the prayer of confession with, I am guessing, some genuine remorse but no actual repentance, which would have involved behavior change and accepting consequences-and was then told it was all over and fine in the assurance of pardon by someone who had a lot of nerve doing that without checking with the victim, giving her a voice, or advocating for her rights and welfare. The same of course goes for the sacrilegious confessional practice that accompanied the RC shuffling of abusive clergy from parish to parish. Of course, the ora and labora can be fruitfully combined, especially when direct amends are not advisable because of a relationship complication or because the person doesn't know you sinned against them: pray such and such a psalm, scripture passage, a rosary, etc. *for* the person you judged, detracted, gossiped about, or whatever....

Anyway, I started thinking about it during Synod, when the priest combined the traditional prayers with the modern relational stuff--and thought of it again, when my wonderful new anam cara proved my hope and confidence were well-founded when he said "An hour of prayer and meditation by yourself listening to the still, small voice--for which my busy soul is starved (people are so different--TG remarked that such a requirement would probably make him manic!)--*and* I think you need to write something on your blog." (At least once I got through my entire list--he gave some good counsel in answer to a question on item one, and some more after item 2, and then optimistically started to give me a penance--till I said "But wait, there's more, lot's more...sigh." He later said he changed his mind but not what the original plan had been, and I'm kind of curious come to think about it...). I already had written the We Bipolars post, as it happens, but had neglected to mention it in the dizzying enumeration for each of my six points, some with subpoints: I made direct amends for x in this way, I think that lived amends are better for y for this reason, I wrote to my mom about z and do you think I should write to my dad as well or let it go? So he brilliantly amended it to seeing if the Spirit gave me any new realizations that needed to be blogged after that hour of prayer....Stay tuned!

Lay your Hands

2009-10-22T00:00:00.000-04:00

Pan de Vida

2009-10-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

Campaign for Disability Employment

2009-10-20T11:49:00.002-04:00

Hat tip to the wise, witty and prophetic Wheelie Catholic. If you're not reading her, you should be.

3:00 meeting with my dept. chair to discuss accomodations--prayers appreciated!

The Summons

2009-10-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

We Bipolars

2009-10-18T21:47:00.001-04:00

AMDG

In June 2007, in a beloved ecumenical women's spirituality church, I was consecrated as bishop for a new and tiny Independent Catholic jurisdiction--and now know is a free, outside the box spiritual circle--with special calls to Christian feminist theology and liturgy and justice and healing for sexual minorities. In October 2007, in a lovely cathedral, I celebrated my "quinceanera consecration," spiritually supplying whatever was lacking in my first consecration and commissioning me for ministry, along with a dear African brother priest, as my little church became a Uniate with a large and growing Independent Catholic jurisdiction. The liturgy was glorious: carefully done inclusive and expansive language in prayers, Scripture and preaching, perfectly chosen readings (Jeremiah 1:4-9 for me, read with a beautiful Spanish accent by the brother with whom I had knelt in the dark church, candles in our hands, to profess first Jesuit vows the night before, and 1 Corinthians 12: 4-13 for my charismatic "bishop twin"), a seraphic voiced cantor leading the litany of the saints, the Veni Creator Spiritus (alternating Pater and Mater, of course), and "Sing a New Church"; a resplendently vested archbishop and his deacon husband, assisted by a graceful Master of Ceremonies in cassock and surplice, carrying out every ritual gesture from the Roman pontifical--and another bishop in blue jeans coming up from his tireless and humble work in the kitchen only long enough to lay hands on the consecrandi/ae; the lavish pouring of sacred chrism, fragrantly staining hair for days and zuchettos (purple kippahs) forever; marriage with the Body of Christ through simple rings, in my case a silver Claddagh honoring my Irish heritage; the Gospel books laid on our backs, mine open to the story of Mary and Clopas recognizing Christ in broken Story, Word, and Bread at Emmaus; and the laying on of hands, with Spirit inspired words or tender silence, by every man, woman, and child in the church, followed by kisses of reverent blessing on ebony and ivory hands or short- and longhaired curly heads.The week of Synod it followed was also glorious, ensuring that this commissioning and empowerment was clearly discerned and lovingly celebrated as a true expression of covenant relationship with the community--something not always possible given the geographical dispersion and financial limitations of the worker-priest, -deacon, and -bishop ministry of Independent Catholicism. Many delightful new brothers and a few sisters, many new theological and liturgical and spiritual learnings, many affirmations of my gifts and call as theologian and spiritual director as well as bishop...And many prophetic instances of fraternal and sororal correction for sacrilegious abuse of those very gifts, breaking through layers of self deception and pride to make me finally believe the liturgical words I have been, ironically and shamefully, proud to proclaim in every Eucharistic Prayer since my first consecration: that I am an utterly unworthy, yet lavishly loved and forgiven, handmaid of the servants of God.I had been honored with the invitation to celebrate the opening mass of Synod, and was determined to push the feminist envelope as far as possible in readings, prayers, and songs, while attempting CYA by perfunctorily running the choices by my superior and my concelebrant beforehand. I prayed, and begged prayers, that it would serve the assembly well, helping them worship while educating them about innovative choices they could bring to their own communities....Yet buried under this desire till the burning light of the Spirit revealed it was a deeper, tainted one: to seize the power so long used against me and other women--and use it to glorify myself before Godde, and to serve my own needs before that of the gathered community. Some people liked the liturgy, but many, male and female alike, were deeply hurt and excluded by it--not just the words but the way they were proclaimed, as I lived out what I had always believed was possible only from men to women, and from other people to me: sexism, revenge, and abuse of power. It could have led to a terrible rift and deep divisiveness within the community, and was saved from such only by the razor-sharp and profoundly loving reprimand from a double-team of archbishops which opened my eyes to the truth--and the next day's healing liturgy, at which one of them invited me and the traditional men who had loved and honored me, but whom I had judged and detracted, to concelebrate--then washed the feet of the entire assembly.I had the privilege of serving as chaplain to the confessor before Thursday's priest and deacon ordination liturgy, setting up a simple Reconciliation chapel in the reception office with purple stole, bible, and the last flickers of the sanctuary candle I had changed out before the tabernacle in the tiny downstairs chapel. I made sure the ordinands had first dibs, then slipped in for my own turn before making the rounds of offices and dining hall to ensure that everyone who wished could bathe in the overflowing fountain of mercy. I had been preparing since my pre-profession and -consecration retreat, and needless to say my list included the usual "too hard on HockeyBoy, and on TechnoGuy for being too soft on HB." But the sacramental alchemy of the week and the learnings from the feminist liturgy cracked my heart wide open to see the deeper pattern in those family dynamics, exactly parallel to those with my brothers in ministry....That TechnoGuy has been the true Christian spouse exercising loving mutual subordination, humility, patience, gentleness, and reverence toward me and the children, while I have so often been proud and harsh and domineering, failing to love and honor my husband as I vowed, to treat my son fairly vis-a-vis his easier to manage sister, and to correct him lovingly and gently for the behavior that so often mirrors my own. The Our Father, Hail Marys, and Glory Be remain to be prayed, and the special time with each of my beloved men remains to be celebrated, but the last thing I did Friday before consecration rehearsal and my private preparation with Angelus, Sophia Psalter, and Suscipe was to make a tearful on both sides amends call to my patient, Christlike sweetheart.I got home late Friday night and we had a quick lunch date Saturday while HockeyBoy watched Ladybug, during which I bubbled forth the joys and learnings and jokes of the week. I finally collapsed into uncontrallable hysterical laughter when I mentioned something about our beloved boys in birettas (old fashioned pouffy black hats sometimes worn by traditional liturgists) and TechnoGuy stared at me, bewildered, and said "A Beretta is either a car or a gun." Immediate mental image of the liturgy police: men in cassocks driving a Beretta, wearing birettas, and aiming Berettas at bad liturgical practices--with their gun moll, yours truly, in a Jesuit habit in the back seat! TG gave me the look and I assured him "This is the Holy Spirit, not mania" and he kept giving me the look. My heart sank to my socks, and I said "This is mania, not the Holy Spirit?" He gathered up his courage and gently said, "I think it's both." And, by yet another miracle of grace, I believed him, realizing that the last minute move, and the heavy teaching schedule, both requiring hypomanic functioning; the shift to lowest possible dose, taken both to stop nausea and to fuel my ludicrous and finally dispelled illusion that I am "only bipolar II" and practically a normy; the lost sleep from being in a strange place all week; and the overflowing outpouring of the Holy Spirit during the consecration -- that these had all conspired to put me in the first serious manic episode since I was hospitalized and diagnosed almost a year and a half ago.It was very scary, but ultimately liberating, to receive another flood of realizations harmonizing the psychological conversion from grandiosity with the spiritual conversion from pride; to learn that I can manage mania without going inside if I rest, up the meds, lower the activity, and above all consult and submit to the judgment and assistance of my good shepherds: psychiatrist, psychologist, and sweetheart; and that I can even manage a really good bilingual mass followed by confessions while still hypomanic if I am transparent with my colleagues and superiors in ministry and get their help, as well as TechnoGuy's, both in pastoral care for myself and covering the many aspects of service that I can't. It was amazingly powerful and utterly symbolic of the mutual and diverse ministry celebrated at Synod to draw aside a newly ordained priest, take a deep breath and come out to him about my condition, and ask him to anoint me for the stability and strength to get through the morning's ministry. He was absolutely loving and respectful, as was everyone else I disclosed it to, showing that the worst disabilism against myself, and my sisters and brothers in mental illness, and my precious son, has dwelt in my own heart and mind. He expressed willingness to give me the sacrament of healing but lack of holy oil and knowledge of memorized prayers to make it possible--so I drew out the oil I always carry, in this case a new vial blessed at the coffeepot by one of the humble kitchen bishops, held out my handmade taken-to-England-to-pray-with-Sally-and-to-Philadelphia-to-pray-with-Michelle stole for him to kiss, then draped it around his neck, briefly taught him the gorgeous Book of Common Prayer formula for anointing and laying on of hands, and knelt before him to receive these gifts and kiss his so recently anointed hands afterwards.In a beautiful God-incidence, this anointing and the liturgies which followed it happened on the canonization day of Fr. Damien, the "leper priest" and "martyr of charity" who moved to the island of Molokai to minister with the rejected and forgotten people quarantined there due to Hansen's disease--and began his first sermon after being infected "we lepers." Through his intercession, that of my dear oldest and youngest children, and many other generous guides and guardians both on earth and in heaven, this manic episode also became the occasion of a first time Ignatian discernment. (The kind that Peter had with the nets, Mary Magdalene on having seven devils cast out, and Paul on the road to Damascus--Jesus says, "Come" and you come, not even able to doubt that the call is from the Holy Spirit). There was no choice about the hypomanic move and first half-term of teaching, as these were part of Godde's creative and persistent plan to get me a teaching position with a wonderful department, a ministry placement at a wonderful church, and a whole host of new brothers and sisters in a wonderful jurisdiction--as well as a sweet little town where my husband can work at home with me, my children flourish with new friends and activities, and we can eventually purchase our long dreamed of home. But to continue in that workaholic schedule now would be an obvious near occasion of mania, exhaustion, despair, and inability to love and be gentle with both myself and others.My dept. chair is a rare example of a good shepherd, making both temporary and part time faculty members full and respected members of the academic community, living theology as a ministry, and recognizing and calling that forth in others through her hiring and management. So I had great confidence in broaching the switch to a part time schedule for spring, and hopefully beyond, and though our formal conversation won't be till Tuesday initial negotiations have gone well. She is also deeply aware of the legal issues around hiring and firing, so exquisitely sensitive to the code embedded in my very careful phone call: "I am having a mild manic episode and have cancelled my class for Monday, and covered it if necessary (turned out it wasn't) for Wednesday. It has been so long since this happened that I did not realize that my disability required accomodation." I.e. "I know you are a good person and probably won't throw me under a truck--but just to make sure, let me gently remind you of the Americans with Disabilities Act"!The octave of the consecration ended yesterday, and it has been a powerful experience of mystagogia deeply reflecting on, diversely sharing, and spaciously deepening the learnings and graces leading up to and following from it--including a seemingly endless stream of thanks and amends email exchanges. Among the most challenging but fruitful were wise, witty, and incisive call-outs about the pride=grandiosity, self-centeredness, and lack of charity in both my blogging (grad school friend and long time commenter) and facebooking (ministry formation friend from my TEC days). Which brings me to the final piece of this post: revisiting the Mary Magdalene post which was my contribution to this year's blogging against disabilism day.It was important to write at the time, and had some good things to share, and the comments were very kind, so I will leave it up....But only in balance with this post, as there were also some important things left out. And it is time to set the record straight, in the classic confessional manual tradition that a public offense requires a public apology. First, I failed to mention that the "Could you say mentally ill instead of crazy?" remark was not said lovingly and gently, but quite sharply--dealing the pain I felt right back in the form of anger rather than nonviolently absorbing and transforming it to something easier to hear and respond to. Second, the going outside to take my pain to Jesus under the stars part happened--but not, as the post implied, in stunned silence immediately after the second clergyperson jumped to a friend's defense. Instead, there was an additional sarcastic exchange in which I shamed the embarrassed first speaker by inquiring judgmentally, rather than reverently, about attempts to assist the troubled congregant in question. The exchange and the post were prophetic, attempting to speak truth in defense of myself and my mentally ill sisters and brothers--but the harsh and self-deceived sort of prophecy that speaks the truth without love and hence fails to speak the full truth at all--in this case the neglected truth being the facts that I was deeply complicit in both disabilism and gravely uncharitable speech myself....And that I was not Jesus and they the Roman soldiers, but that the three of us stood together at the foot of the cross in need of grace and called to build up each other, and all our brothers and sisters, by sharing the overflowing mercy we have received. I ask forgiveness from them, and those who love them and were hurt when they were hurt, and any sisters and brothers hurt or disedified by the less than honest post--and other sinful blogging--in any way. (I will try to avoid the TMI and self-absorption for which I was rebuked by sparing everyone details of the latter--but feel free to email sophiasprayers@gmail.com if you need and deserve any specific and additional amends and I will do my best, with Godde's help).I praise Godde for abundant and overflowing mercy poured out in Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and thank my dear sisters and brothers who read for the listening and love and patience and prayers which sacramentalize that, and which brought me to this joyous day of gratitude and freedom.

Ad majorem Dei gloriam!

Ouch

2009-10-18T12:10:00.000-04:00

Beloved brothers and sisters, our Lord and Savior sometimes gives us instruction by words and sometimes by actions. His very deeds are our commands; and whenever he acts silently he is teaching us what we should do. For example, he sends his disciples out to preach two by two, because the precept of charity is twofold--love of God and of one's neighbor.

The Lord sends out his disciples to preach in twos in order to teach us silently that whoever fails in charity toward her neighbor should be no means take upon herself the office of preaching.

Homily 17 on the Gospels by St. Gregory the Great
Office of Readings, Feast of St. Luke, Liturgy of the Hours

Friday Five: Footwear

2009-10-16T07:35:00.000-04:00

Jan writes at RevGals:

Too often the Friday Fives I offer up seem extremely introspective, so here's something that could be fun. I notice as I finish my sixth decade that my taste in footwear is much different than when I was younger, as comfort wins out over fashion. So look at your feet and think about what you put on them!

Well timed, as I am getting ready to hit the road for a conference on the East Coast and, joy of joys, meet up with Michelle tonight after supper! Prayers for traveling mercies appreciated and I'll say one for you :-).

1. What is your favorite footwear at this time in your life?

The ones I wear almost all the time and have on now: super-supportive Brooks running shoes, with orthotics and gel heel cups on top of those!....Presently the men's "Beast" model, which come in black and gray and look more professional, whether with suits, clerics, or my habit, than the women's "Ariel" which are white-based. I do have a pair of supportive Mary Jane-style dress shoes which I did pack

2. What was the craziest shoe, boot, or sandal you ever wore?

High heeled pumps and dress sandals--pretty as they are and much as I admire them on others. Did in my back and my feet, so I haven't touched them in a couple of decades.

3. What kind of shoes did you wear in your childhood?

School shoes, dress up shoes, tennies or sandals as context dictated. White and blue saddle shoes with my convent school uniform of blue plaid skirt, white blouse and blue sweater or blazer. Topsiders at the snooty prep school. Flip flops in the summer--the coolest ones being velvet and bamboo zoris (sp?)--the funny thing now, esp. to my kids, is that we called them thongs! Can't use that one anymore....

4. How do you feel most comfortable? Barefoot, flip-flops, boots, or what?

Always shoes or my feet hurt, though the plantar fascitis has dwindled greatly and the Holy Spirit influx at the consecration may have knocked out the last of it, praise Godde.

5. What kind of socks do you like, if any?

Nice and cushy. Wish they came in cool girly colors but for now black and white will do.

Bonus: Anything you want to share about feet or footwear.

Santa Teresa de Avila

2009-10-15T10:36:00.000-04:00

Muy feliz fiesta de Santa Teresa de Avila, doctor de la iglesia! Santa Madre, ruega por nosotros!

Happy feastday of St. Teresa of Avila, doctor of the church! Holy Mother, pray for us!

All I Have to Be

2009-10-05T08:32:00.000-04:00

Friday Five: Touching Holiness

2009-10-02T08:08:00.000-04:00

Sally writes at RevGals:

Yesterday I was privileged to join the thousands of pilgrims who had flocked to York Minster to see the casket containing the bones of St Therese of Lisieux. People came from miles around, some with deep faith came to venerate the Saint, others with none came out of curiosity. The Christians who came represented a mix of denominations, I went because I have read her writings and out of sheer curiosity having never been to anything like this before.To put it in crude terms I was blown away by the by the deep sense of God's presence, of gentleness, of holiness and purity. Today as I reflect upon the experience I recognise that there have been other places and other times when I have experienced a tangible touch of God. I wonder if it was because the message that Therese had is so much needed today, she experienced God as a God of love, and encouraged others to draw closer...How about you, where do you find God's peace and presence, is there:

1. A place that holds a special memory?

Oh, how to choose? Many of the churches where I have regularly worshipped, ministered, and prayed on my own are this kind of holy ground for me. My college and graduate school chapels, the chapel at my first full time teaching job--which I get to visit in a week when I am in that city for a professional meeting--and my grad school parish church where we were married, baptized and buried EldestDaughter, and baptized HockeyBoy are the most powerful. Also, the ocean, of course!

2. A song that seems to usher you into the Holy of Holies?

Again, so many that it is hard to choose. Right now the ones I am most aware of are those I have written, with new words to classic hymn tunes--probably because I am incorporating some into the mass and offices at which I will preside at during our jurisdiction's Synod next week. They come out of my own spiritual experiences and it is so powerful, as at the Big Event closing worship this past spring, to see them work for a worshipping community.

3.A book/ poem/ prayer that says what you cannot?

The psalms, especially certain favorites--and, again, especially in the feminine-God-language adaptation I had to create to be able to fruitfully pray the daily Office.

4. How do you remind yourself of these things at times when God seems far away?

Sharing with someone, or a few someones, who reverently listen and sometimes give inspired feedback. Validates the feelings and present experience and recalls the history of God's faithfulness and generosity in my life. This is the genius of Ignatius' Spiritual Exercises--reflecting on your story, the Gospel story, and how they concretely interact, and gaining healing and freedom and empowerment from this memory prayer.

5.Post a picture/ poem or song that speaks of where you are right now in your relationship with God...

This song which we sang at Ladybug's baptism is perfect right now--I have hit a wall after three months of joyous but near-constant overwork: interview, pack, move across country, unpack, teach four college classes with no prep time, research when I'm not teaching, volunteer ministry on weekends. I have set limits and built in Sabbath time as possible but it hasn't been as possible as I would like, and my body and spirit have said enough! So I am needing to rest and heal in God's love and remember that love is there for me when I am just be-ing as well as do-ing.

Friday Five: Autumn

2009-09-25T08:56:00.000-04:00

Dorcas writes at RevGals:

Let us fear the LORD our God, who gives autumn and spring rains in season, who assures us of the regular weeks of harvest. Jeremiah 5:23b

The Autumnal Equinox has just come 'round again. I took a look back at our Friday Fives and noted that it always seems to make the Rev Gals and their Pals think of changes.
There is something so nostalgic about this time of year, at least in the Northern Hemisphere. The nights grow cooler, crops are harvested, for some of us the leaves are beginning to change colors. The scent of smoke is in the air, pumpkins are in the stores (or on wagons, or in roadside stands for those of us in the country). I'm thinking of putting away my summer clothes and pulling out the sweaters. And I have a tub of Fall-themed items that my husband just lugged up from the basement. I'm looking for my scarecrow.

For this week, let's share some memories along with some hopes and expectations.

1. Share a Fall memory.

Always the first day of school, as I have so often had them as student or professor. A few that stand out:

First day of MA studies, when the systematics adviser instructed us to meet at the Notre Dame Grotto, led us back to his dorm suite, and fed us breakfast that included fresh blueberries. (I had known the fruit only in the little cans that come in the box of muffin mix). Another student remarked that they had just had great ones in the UP, completely baffling me. "UP?" "Upper Peninsula" Baffled look. "Of Michigan." Then I had to ask which bodies of water were involved. Hard to believe I would later gain honorary Michigander status through marriage and reflexively answer location questions by holding up my hands in the mitten or the shark.

First day of doctoral studies, when I was on duty with EldestDaughter in the morning and also "took the house" at the Catholic Worker so a live in community member could take a guest somewhere. We had a great time making bread and I nursed her down for nap before dressing up, too warm for the season due to nerves, and riding my bike to campus for the opening meeting.

First day of college teaching, Women in the Christian Tradition, as a just passed exams doctoral student. I wore the lovely cream suit I had purchased with EldestDaughter and worn to her campus memorial service, a lilac silk blouse I miss now, and matching earrings. Matt and I went to a friend's for poker night but I, and the colleague who had also just had his first teaching day, were so exhausted that we just collapsed onto the couches and processed--probably by babbling incoherently.

2. Your favorite Fall clothes--(past or present)?

Big purple and pink sweaters I wore with leggings while pregnant. New shoes and outfit each year in grade school. A variety of jumpers--a beloved style for me: maternity, nursing, a gray flannel Lanz I got while engaged to Matt...

3. Share a campfire story, song, experience...etc.

Learning all the classic songs at the nightly campfire at Y Camp Ta Ta Pochon in fourth and fifth grades. I was especially proud that I funded almost the whole trip by selling butter toffee peanuts.

4. What is your favorite thing about this time of year?

The sense of anticipation and excitement with a new school year for me and now my kids.

5. What changes are you anticipating in your life, your church, family...whatever...as the season changes and winter approaches?

Readjusting to snow after quite a few years away! Not looking forward to that one. But before that the pleasure of seeing the trees change for the first time in a good while.

Bonus: What food says "AUTUMN" at your house? Recipes always appreciated.

Beef stew, other soups, fresh baked cookies.